The Fat Lady's Suitors
by huffleclaw22
Summary: What happens when Cedric, Harry, and Seamus all compete for The Fat Lady's hand in eternal love? Throw in Hermione's demon cat and a hysterical Cho, as well as lots of bad singing (that doesn't break glass)...and you've got a nice recipe for chaos! :P Set before/after the 3rd and final task of the Triwizard Tournament. ONE-SHOT! CRACKFIC/PARODY! (make sure to read author's note!)


**a/n: JK Rowling owns all rights to anything/everything Potterverse! I'm just having some fun over here.**

**NOTE: This is a parody/crackfic, so if you're easily offended or can't bend your mind far enough to find twisted humor funny, you might not like this. You've been warned! XD**

**(Picture The Fat Lady as the one from Prisoner of Azkaban-the singer...not the boring one from Sorcerer's Stone).**

* * *

It was the day before the Third Task of the Triwizard Tournament, and Hogwarts Castle was very quiet. Everyone was saving their energy and excitement for the next day's events. A certain tranquility hung in the air over the grounds, and the sun seemed to be sparkling in the bright turquoise colored sky. Even the grass seemed greener, and the plants perkier.

The Fat Lady, or as she preferred to be called, Elaine, was singing away inside her portrait frame. "La-la-laaaaaaaaaaa!" she sang, extremely frustrated that she still couldn't break glass with just her voice, she'd been trying for centuries.

"Need some assistance, Elaine-?" Seamus Finnigan asked in a suave tone, leaning casually against the side of her portrait.

"Like hell she does-if she wants her frame blown up, allow me..." Harry Potter interjected, pushing his dormmate out of the way.

"I can't break the stupid glass, and I don't understand why! Maybe I really am an awful singer..." The Fat Lady shook her head sadly, turning away in shame.

The two Gryffindors shared a glance, knowing full well that she did indeed have a terrible singing voice. "No, no, you're a great singer. Yer just not using the right kind of glass..." Seamus lied.

Harry crossed his arms. "Yeah. What you really need is like...erm...a mirror!" he reassured her, smirking at Seamus.

To anyone who didn't know, The Fat Lady had three suitors who visited her regularly, the two fourth year Gryffindors and also a sixth year Hufflepuff. All three gentlemen wanted her hand in eternal love, but The Fat Lady refused to reveal who her favorite was, for she liked all the attention and chasing.

"Shouldn't you be off getting ready fer yer task tomorrow?" Seamus spat. "Even Cedric isn't here."

"My love for Elaine is far more important than some stupid task," Harry said coolly. "Oh won't you wish me luck tomorrow? Those tasks are dangerous," he flashed a pair of big, bright green eyes in The Fat Lady's direction.

Seamus scowled, seeing The Fat Lady reach out and ruffle Harry's messy black hair. He had to admit that he was quite shocked to not see Cedric Diggory there, and had to give him kudos for sacrificing his time with The Fat Lady for the Triwizard Tournament.

However, just as he was thinking this, a charming voice interrupted his reverie. "Well well well Potter, I see that instead of concentrating on the tournament, you're up here with Finnigan trying to score extra points with Elaine," Cedric tisked, striding up to them on the staircase. "The tournament should be your main priority."

"So why are you up here then, Diggory?" Seamus asked.

"Yeah," Harry added.

"I," Cedric stated matter-of-factly, "came up here to check on Harry."

"Did you now-?" Harry furrowed a brow, skeptically surveying the older boy's motives. "So these are for me then?" he asked, grabbing onto the bouquet of roses that Cedric held behind his back.

"Noooo-" Cedric tried to protest while Harry was yanking the bouquet out of his hands.

"Boys, boys, boys...no need to fight! Look, Seamus is behaving himself," The Fat Lady tisked, wagging her finger at Cedric and Harry, just to stir the pot a bit. She liked doing that.

"Yeah, I'm setting a good impression," Seamus smirked at his rivals. Thinking he'd won this battle, he winked at The Fat Lady.

Cedric scoffed and crossed his arms. "Oh please, Finnigan. You aren't man enough for Elaine, she deserves a champion, someone to guard her portrait for all eternity," he said.

Harry rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Yes, and that champion is going to be me!" he insisted.

"Oh yeah? Maybe she likes Viktor Krum? Or even Fleur Delacour would be better than you two nincompoops..." Seamus teased.

"Really gentlemen...no fighting, I'm flattered," The Fat Lady chided, fanning herself.

Just then, Hermione Granger walked up the steps holding her half-kneazle beast of a cat, Crookshanks. "Flirting with a painting again, are we boys?" she tisked.

Harry, Seamus, and Cedric all scowled at her. "Not in the mood Hermione," they said, all annoyed that The Fat Lady still wouldn't reveal which of them she liked best.

Hermione rolled her eyes and brushed past them, standing directly in front of The Fat Lady's portrait. "Balderdash," she said the password, not really caring that Cedric now knew what it was.

"I'm busy, come back later," The Fat Lady said, refusing to let her go through.

"Are you kidd-" Hermione started, but before she could finish, Crookshanks had somehow managed to jump into the painting. "OH MERLIN, CROOKSHANKS!"

The Fat Lady began to shriek hysterically, cowering in the corner of the frame as Crookshanks hissed at her. Not a second later, she started sneezing uncontrollably, which caused her to shriek even louder.

She wasn't the only one screaming, however, Hermione was quite riled up too. "Don't worry Crookshanks, it's okay Crookie...we'll get you out of there," she was saying in a panicky voice, wracking her brain for the correct spell.

Realizing that now was his chance to prove he was just as man as the two Triwizard Champions, Seamus cleared his throat loudly and stepped forward. "Don't worry Elaine, I'll fix this!" he declared.

"Elaine-?" Hermione raised an eyebrow, while Cedric and Harry glared at Seamus.

"Well if the cat jumped in, I'll just grab 'im back out. See, no spells needed!" Seamus was saying. Hermione's eyes widened as she watched him reach in and grab Crookshanks by the tail. The cat let out a fierce hiss, scaring Seamus, who flung him down the staircase. Hermione screamed.

"YOU DUNDERHEAD!" she roared, running down the stairs towards her cat. Crookshanks was laying on his side, hissing and twitching every few seconds. Angry, Hermione scooped him up in her arms and shot a death glare at the three boys and "Elaine". "Fine, if you won't let me in, I'll just go find another portrait...one that can ACTUALLY sing!" she huffed, stalking off dejectedly.

The Fat Lady was now extremely pissed off. "Why the nerve of her!" she cried.

Cedric immediately began stroking the side of her frame. "Don't give it a second thought, Elaine, she's just jealous of how amazing you are," he gushed.

"Yeah, Hermione is awful at singing," Harry agreed.

"It's true," Seamus nodded.

"You're right, she's just jealous," The Fat Lady said, more for her own benefit than for the sake of agreeing with them. She was terribly insecure about her voice.

Suddenly, Cedric had a really brilliant idea. Since The Fat Lady enjoyed singing so much, he proposed a rap battle to win her heart. Harry and Seamus immediately accepted the challenge. "Okay, I'll go first."

"Hey it's me, MC Diggor-y!

I've got badger pride and a whole hella bling!

So stick with me, an' take my ring!"

Harry shook his head. "Nice try, now step aside and let The Chosen One give it a go."

"I'm The Chosen One, I'm The Boy Who Lived,

Oh yeah it ain't fib!

Let me tell you once, let me tell you twice-

Stick with me, and you'll feel so nice!"

Seamus scoffed at both of them. "You guys are makin' this too easy!"

"My name is Seamus, I may not be famous-

But I know that if you kiss, me sexy Irish lips,

The inside'a yer stomach, will do some major flips!

Kiss me I'm I-rish,

'Cause yer a real dish-

And every time I'm around ya-

I can't help speakin' gibberish!"

At the end of his rap, Harry and Cedric's mouths hung agape, and The Fat Lady was clapping her hands in excitement. Seamus had a triumphant smirk across his face, which made his rivals very uneasy.

"Oh Elaine, won't you tell us which of us you like best-?" Cedric pleaded. He did need to go back to his dorm and prepare for the final task, but he didn't want to miss The Fat Lady admitting who she favored most.

"My my look at the time!" The Fat Lady exclaimed, looking at her non-existant watch that most certainly did not reside on her wrist. "Seamus, you need to go study for that Potions exam. Cedric and Harry should be off preparing for tomorrow's task. Off you go!" she said, shooing them away.

Each boy groaned, but they couldn't defy The Fat Lady's desires, so if she wanted them gone-then gone they would be.

* * *

The next night, a grief-stricken Harry and Seamus sulked up towards Gryffindor Tower. They would have to break the news of Cedric's tragic fate to The Fat Lady, and they knew she'd be absolutely devastated. However, upon reaching the frame, they noticed that something was off.

The Fat Lady was in her frame as usual, but she had company. A tall golden-haired boy wearing a Hufflepuff colored dragon task outfit was standing behind her with a large smirk across his face...Cedric!

"Cedric?!" Harry yelled, startled. After grieving his fellow Triwizard Champion for the better part of that night, he was utterly shocked to see him there.

"Got that right," Cedric said with a wink. He had his arm wrapped around The Fat Lady.

"How in the world did you get in the painting? You just died!" Seamus shouted, confused, and very annoyed.

Cedric explained how his father had his portrait painted after the First Task, and that as a memorial for him, Dumbledore had it hung outside the Hufflepuff Basement common room. "So I climbed out and made my way up here, I told you I'd be the champion to guard Elaine's portrait for all eternity!" he boasted triumphantly.

Harry and Seamus looked at each other. "Is this really happening Elaine, does this mean Cedric wins-?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"See Harry, I won the tournament a_nd _Elaine. You just won the tournament, so I'm the real victor here," Cedric smirked happily.

"I don't know what you're smirking at...yer stuck in a painting fer the rest 'a yer life!" Seamus shook his head in disbelief, not understanding how Cedric could be so happy, considering he just died.

"Yeah...but it's _Elaine's _painting."

Just then, footsteps could be heard rushing up the stairs. Cho Chang squeaked excitedly, before throwing herself at the portrait. "Thank Merlin! Cedric I've missed you, now I can come here every day and still talk to you!" she sobbed tears of happiness.

The Fat Lady cleared her throat loudly. "Excuse me, but do you mind crying somewhere else-? It's really quite disgusting," she said.

Cho's eyes widened in shock. "I happen to be Cedric's girlfriend!" she snapped indignantly.

Cedric shook his head. "Actually Cho, I liked you as a Yule Ball date, but I've always been in love with Elaine here," he admitted.

"Who in Merlin's name is Elaine-?" Cho was confused.

"Me!" The Fat Lady snapped.

Cho's large brown eyes seemed to gleam bright red, and her face twisted into a scowl. "Ohhhh it's on! This isn't over til' the fat lady sings!" she shouted, infuriated.

The Fat Lady crossed her arms, and she clenched her fists. "Then I'll sing! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she sang, but it sounded more like a dying elephant caught in a muggle washing machine.

Cho's hands flew to her ears, and she retreated back down the stairs screaming. Deciding to try his luck, Harry called down "Since Cedric likes Elaine, you can always have me, the other Triwizard Champion!" He figured Elaine favored Cedric now, and he just really wanted a girlfriend.

Cho turned on her heel and rolled her eyes. "As if," she scoffed, stalking away.

"But I'm the chosen one!" Harry yelled.

"Yer pathetic," Seamus laughed.

"I'm available!" Ginny Weasley exclaimed, walking up behind them. It seemed like she'd popped up out of nowhere.

"Er..."

Ginny didn't let him finish, because she had turned her attention to glaring at Seamus. "Hermione told me what you did to her cat, don't be so mean!" she said, shaking her head in disgust. Not even bothering to say the password, she grabbed the edge of The Fat Lady (plus Cedric)'s frame, and flung it open herself.

Seamus chased her through the hole. "I AM NOT MEAN!" he shouted defensively.

Not wanting to miss a good cat fight (ha pun!), Harry ran after them. "See ya later Elaine!" he said. Even though Cedric shared her painting now, he and Seamus were still determined to woo her. There was no way they would let Cedric off that easily.

"So who is your favorite, please tell me," Cedric begged as soon as his rivals were out of sight and ear shot.

"You are, you're the handsome one. But don't tell the others, because I still want them to do things for me," The Fat Lady said with a mischevious smile.

"Don't worry, I won't breathe a word," Cedric shot her a sly wink.

* * *

**a/n: So if you made it to the end of this fic without busting a gut laughing like I did while writing it...congratulations you win a grand prize of a billion galleons...****.only joking, who do you think I am...Malfoy?! :P**

**No seriously, did anyone find this funny? Or is it just me? LOL XD**

**I'm deeply sorry if anyone's offended by anything in here, this was merely meant to be a crackfic/parody, I wasn't making fun of how Cedric dies. He just had to die so he could go into the painting...it's a much less tragic ending than the original, because at least in mine he's happy! **

**:P reviews make me a happy lil Huffleclaw. :P :P :P**


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